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lulu-nightbon · 2 years ago

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alright, i... didn't want to do this. i didn't want to have to do this. especially with all the hate ive been getting in my inbox recently. but i don't have a choice.

hi. im lulu. im a 21-year-old autistic immunocompromised queer person. i currently live with my mother (senior) and my little sister (10 years old). i need your help to get out.

(context and avenues to help below the cut)

as some of you may know, my stepfather died on august sixth from a heart attack. we lived in his parents basement, as it was all we could afford, and we depended on his income. he had a stable job, and mom decided to become a housewife and sell some things from the buisness they created together. when he died, the buisness was dissolved, as it was an llc partnership. his parents are extremely controlling, and as such, he was only able to finally start building up credit when mom came along, and we were almost at the point where he could qualify for a home loan so we could get out and get away from his parents.

that's gone now.

mom cannot qualify for a home loan because of her student loan payments and the credit card payments. we do not have the money to pay these off, and mom is trying desperately to get a job. we need the money to get out, as my stepfather's parents have been trying to get my sister away from my mom and shove both her and i out of the family for years. things are only getting worse now as we have reason to believe they are spying on our conversations and even going so far as tracking us (for example, they found a spare key to the car and went and took it and "cleaned it out" without mom's knowledge or permission, as it's her car now). they have been trying to circumvent mom and go behind her back during the entire process with the funeral home, coroner's office, all the legal documentation, and they are extremely infuriated that they cannot decide anything or push mom out because they are not the next of kin and have been trying to circumvent this. we have reason to believe that they're going to attempt to sell the cars that are still in my stepfather's name to collect on the money and never give us a dime, like they had with almost all of the money my little sister received as part of the college fund we set up at my stepfather's funeral as well as any money that my little sister had won in the past. we will never see a dime of it, and it's extremely upsetting that they are doing this. they have been running scams for years, and they have been nothing but hellish towards my mother, claiming she's withholding information from them when she has offered more than they've asked for and they have done nothing but take my little sister out and about without ever telling mom anything (for example- they screamed that mom was withholding information when she said she didn't copy the tox report for them because it was empty and claimed they needed to know his cholesterol levels [which doesn't even show up on a tox report- they didn't run his blood, either, and they didn't check his cholesterol levels anyway because they know that's what killed him, they could see it] and would not provide reasoning why [it does not affect them anyway just by nature of it being cholesterol], while on sunday they took my little sister out the whole day and failed to communicate with my mother that she would be with them and would be home after dinner).

they have been screaming at mom for collecting social security as though she was stealing their money and demanded that she doesn't get a job, and we have more than enough reason to believe that they are trying to get her to default on the bills so they finally have legal grounds to take my little sister and kick us out, leaving us with nowhere to go and no options. they have even gone as far as to threaten to take my sister away using force in the past, and, as they have firearms, that is a terrifying threat. they are unhinged and extremely upset that they cannot control us and make us do what they want, how they want, when they want, and they are up in arms over it.

when we move out, all hell is going to break loose, but the longer we wait, the worse it's going to get.

my stepfather, being 37 when he died, did not like thinking about his own mortality, so he didn't have a life insurance policy, a 401K, a will, nothing. we have been left high and dry by his death, and that is pushing aside the grief. we do not have the money to pay off the bills, pay for a lawyer, pay to have the car re-keyed to keep them from stealing it again, or to even flat-out buy a house to circumvent needing a loan, and on top of it all we have to deal with stepfather's parents not allowing us to grieve and implying that mom is a tramp and a heartless bitch that will blow any money given to her when she is more financially responsible than them. we also have to worry about them stealing our things, especially with how much they complain about how messy the basement is when most of the things here are theirs (stepfather's parents are hoarders- more specifically, his father hoards cars, and his mother hoards everything else, going out and shopping frivolously almost every day).

we need help with money, and i hate to ask, especially with the requirement of revealing my legal name and in light of the harassment i have been receiving for over a month now, but we need to get out of here, and we need to get out of here soon. it's only going to get worse the longer we stay. we need money to help with the bills, my mom's student loans, getting a lawyer, and getting a place to move into.

im posting this because im the only one my stepfather's parents won't find on any platform that i choose to use. my current goal is $9,000 USD, if only just to get enough money to get a cheap plot of land to move into, or one of the really cheap houses out here. this won't cover the loans or bills in addition, or the cost of getting a lawyer or anything else we need, but it is enough to get us a cheap place to live. i know it's a lot of money, but we are in a dangerous situation and need the money to escape. if we were to pay for everything, the goal would be in the hundreds of thousands, and i feel horrible just asking for this much. if you can't donate, please reblog, even the visibility might help and please do not spread my legal name. please remember to put "payment" or something generic in the reasoning box if it's required so that i will actually receive the funds instead of having my account purged from the site. i didn't want to ask for this, but i have no other options. please help.

c*sh*pp: $lulunightbon

v*nm*: @Lulilial

Goal: $0/$9,000

#im sorry #i don't know what else to do #please forgive me for this if you ever can #financial aid #autistic #trans

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evans23 · 9 months ago

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Daughter of mine II

Pairing : Judge Turpin x Daughter OC

Summary : The great judge Turpin tries to adapt to his new role as a father. Awkward, he doesn't realise that his daughter doesn't find her place in this new world.

Tag(s)/Warning(s) : A bit of angst I guess. Mention of prostitution and death. Awkward father. If I forget something, please mention it to me !

A/N: Hello dear 😁 Here the next part of Daughter of mine. Enjoy !

Part I - Part III - Part IV - Part V

Also read on AO3

The first days were awkward, to say the least. Catherine was intimidated by her new surroundings and Turpin didn't know how to be a father. He didn't really try either. He didn't have any good paternal figure when he was a kid, his father being the kind violent. Besides, he couldn't stop thinking it would have been easier if he had been in the child's life from the beginning.

Not only did he have to catch up with six years of his daughter's life, almost seven, which was utterly impossible, but also, he wasn't sure how to impose his authority on his daughter. His daughter... Even this word sounded strange to him.

It had only been two weeks since the girl had moved in with him, in his mansion. The servants were totally enamoured with the child, who was reserved and overly polite. She never asked for anything and ate everything that was served to her, even when it was obvious she didn't like what was on her plate. Fortunately, her governess could read the little girl far more easily than her dad, and each time she noticed an imperceptible grimace of disgust, she warned the cook not to prepare this food for the child anymore.

True to his words, two days after her arrival, Catherine got a tutor. In fact, more than one. One of the teachers had for a mission was to teach her how to write, read, and speak properly, like a well-mannered lady should do. Another one was there to teach her to speak French and Italian and another one to provide some music and drawing skills.

She probably should learn how to dance, sew, and many other things a mother would judge necessary for his daughter to know, but Turpin wasn't a mother, scarcely a father, and those trivial competencies weren't what mattered the most for Turpin. He wanted a well-educated daughter, with knowledge in his head and not just an empty brain as too much lady of his acquaintance. Turpin was a conservator, yes, but he knew how important it was to be able to think by itself, even for a girl, even more for his daughter !

The triviality would be learned later, when he decided it was time to introduce her to the high society, in a timely manner. For the moment, there was no place for any leisure. Anyway, the hectic schedule of Catherine didn't leave any room for that. She had a tiring day like she had never experienced before.

She had to wake up at seven o'clock, half past six sometimes, and be ready with the help of her maid before eight. She had a light breakfast before the start of her courses, which only stopped once at noon to let her the time to have lunch and then at half past four in the afternoon. From half past four to five, she had some time to play on her own but she had to be quite imaginative, for there were no toys for her. Not because Turpin was too stingy but because it hadn't crossed his mind that the girl could need more than pretty dresses and coats.

However, Catherine was so happy with those beautiful clothes that she wore them with unconcealed joy as she had never had new clothes before, even less expensive and elegant dresses like these one but only the old ones of her mother who took up it as best as she could, that she didn't dare ask for more.

In addition, she had three meals a day, water at will, tea in the morning, and even orange juice and snacks during the day if she wished to. But what delighted her the most was the hot cocoa her governess brought her every night before sleep. A beverage her mother couldn't afford at all. Also, and for her biggest relief, she was allowed to keep her candles lit all night to make the terrifying shadows of her past disappear. And she knew how expensive was a candle, her mother told her so each time she asked to keep one alight for the night when she was alone and so afraid.

Unfortunately, despite all the affluence she was surrounded with, she felt alone. Terribly alone. She had no friends, wasn't allowed to go out, except for the backyard of the mansion, but anyway, it was too cold to play outside, but more than everything else, she missed her mom. She was also secretly longing for a father. But Richard didn't seem to appeal to the idea or at least, it was what she thought.

Richard was never home. He left an hour before her waking time and came back far after her bedtime. He worked every day, including on Saturday morning, and during the afternoon, he was locked up in his office. The only room she was forbidden to enter in. Should she have been bolder, she would probably intruded into his sanctuary of peace to have the privilege of his company, but the natural severity emanating from the man was enough to keep her on track.

Sunday was the only day during which she had breakfast with him, but he wasn't very talkative and she didn't know what to say to the man who, inevitably, dismissed her in her room or in the garden with her maid to let her have some clear air while he was, yet again, in his office, working on court cases or attempting some business with The Beadle.

And because she couldn't have a piece of Richard, not necessarily his heart, not even his affection, even though she was in desperate need of a bit of that more than the beautiful dresses and the palatable food, she started to become sad. Sadder than she was when her mom died or when they were living in the paucity on the outskirts of London. Sadder than when she had lost her little cat, dead because he was starving and her mom couldn't buy enough food for the three of them, sadder than when she had been sent to the orphanage.

In fact, she felt deceived by the man she had thought would be more than just his savior. The moment she had understood who he was, she had thought he would be his father, the one she had wished for on every birthday, and also for Christmas. She had begun to feel the need to fill in the hole in her heart with the presence of the man she had dreamt of. Moreover, the death of Elena, her dear mommy, had enlarged that hole, and the instant she had acknowledged Richard for who he was, she had wrongly thought he would embrace his role as a father. How stupid she had been. How a man who had left her mother with a broken heart could have loved her ?

The governess and the maids had already understood what the child was longing for. She needed her father's love to heal. However, Richard wasn't mean on purpose. He just didn't know how to step into the life of the child, how to take up his place as a father. Of course, he knew he just had to be himself, but the truth was that he was afraid to act like his father. Never could he forgive himself if his daughter was as afraid of him as he was of his own father when he was a child and even a young teenager.

He had promised to himself, the day she arrived home, that never ever he would beat her, no matter her wrongdoings. Never she would hear the sound of a whip on her back and even less the feel of it. Nevertheless, he was a firm believer in the fact that a kid needed a sprinkle of authority. Even more than a sprinkle.

Yet, he had to admit that she was easy to manage. She didn't run amok around the house and apparently, she didn't inherit the malicious and devious traits of the Turpin. Also, she never answered back, something Richard had done many times at the same age, which had owed him many slaps in the face. And surprisingly, he found himself wishing she would answer back because it would mean she was talking with him. In his presence, she was always silent and he didn't know if it was because she was impressed by him or just because she didn't adapt well to her new environment, but it was bothering him.

"Sir, may I enquire how is doing the daughter of yours ?" asked The Beadle, that morning in the court office.

Richard looked down at him suspiciously. He didn't appreciate the attention Beadle thought necessary to have towards his daughter. He knew the man too well and didn't have any difficulties to figure out his intentions. He would be cold in his grave before a man like him could consider being betrothed to Catherine. The girl wouldn't have any suitor before her twenty-five. Or before his death. And he was able to defy God's authority on that matter just to be sure she wouldn't fall for a miserable like Beadle. A depraved man like him. In fact, after consideration, a man at all !

He dismissed The Beadle with a frown which said far more than his mouth. For God's sake, he thought, never come the day she would find man interesting. Not that they were all that bad, but Catherine's legacy would be substantial. Indeed, he had already found enough loopholes in the law to prevent his manor and all his wealth from being entailed to a stranger cousin he hadn't met in his life. All he knew about that man was that he was living in Australia with his wife and a son of sixteen named Elliott.

"How is she ?" he asked as usual when he came back from the court to the maid.

"Asleep," answered merely the woman.

She was the oldest maid of the manor, also the one who was able with Richard diplomatically enough to bring him around the right decision.

"Did she eat ?"

If the answer was no, which happened sometimes, he always made sure she had a heavy breakfast in the morning, one she had to eat entirely if she wanted to have a break after her last course of the day. It only happened once that she was deprived of her playtime. Turpin knew it wasn't a solution to punish the girl when she didn't feel like eating, but she was so thin, even after two weeks of the best food that he was afraid to see her fall sick. Eating wasn't a pleasure, it was vital.

"Yes."

The quietness of the maid made him suspicious.

"What's the matter, Anne ?" he asked roughly.

The old woman wasn't impressed at all by the man. She wasn't afraid to stand up to him, even if she had already threatened to fire her or worse, to send her to a colony in the middle of nowhere in the upside-down. Perhaps the fact she had been his governess when she was a child had something to do with it. And even if she was grateful for the man to have hired her after her husband's death when he was still a young man, barely established as a young lawyer thanks to the influence of his family.

"The girl is depressed," she stated frankly.

"Depressed ? We are not depressed at her age. She didn't know anything about the hardness of life," he prompted harshly.

"As you didn't know anything about it at the same age, I guess ?" Anne uttered perfidiously.

The look Richard gave her would have made anyone else shriek with fear, but the woman didn't flinch under his stringent gaze.

"She is not mistreated here," he growled, his tone a dangerous warning.

"No, but she is alone. No friends, no toys, only studying the whole day."

And no father, she added for herself.

"I've no acquaintance with child of her age," stated Turpin, "and for the toy, I'll leave money on the buffet tomorrow morning. Go into town and buy what you think is fit for her."

Anne shook her head with disapprobation.

"What ? Woman, do you want to live on the street ? It's where you would be if it hadn't been for my great kindness," groaned Richard, his patience thinner and thinner at each rolling eyes of the maid.

"The gift would have more valor if it came from her father," she simply pointed out.

Richard, whose eyes were flashing with all his anger, hurried away to lock himself in his bedroom, slamming the door violently to let everybody know how angry he was in the whole house, but more peculiarly Anne, how displeased he was tonight.

The next morning, there was no money on the buffet, which made the maid smile. She was sure her words had reached Richard.

The day seemed to drag on for poor Catherine. She was too distracted to focus on her lesson, which annoyed her teacher who scolded her, promising her to give a report to her father about her bad behaviour. Catherine didn't say anything, even though she found it quite unfair as she just let her mind roam around. It wasn't as if she had disrupted the class by chattering incessantly. Anyway, except for the servants, there was no one to speak with.

The second teacher was far more lenient with her, asking her why she was so lost on him. She shrugged her shoulders, but the man, who had three daughters and eight grandchildren, wasn't dupe. There was a heaviness in the heart of the little girl. He tried to incite her to open up, without success. He didn't insist as he didn't want to frustrate her. He understood that she was like her father : she didn't give her trust easily and the old man wasn't keen to damage the bond he had started to create with her.

At the Court of Justice, Turpin wasn't more focused than his daughter. He had adjourned the Court, even though he had found some pleasure in not temper justice with mercy. Anne's straightforward honesty had kept him up all night. He didn't know what to do. He didn't want to hurt the child, yet he knew he would if he was too involved in her life. He hadn't had any good role model and it wasn't as if he wasn't providing the child with everything she needed. But deep down, he knew it wasn't what she really needed. He had been a child too and back in time, he would have traded everything he had, money, wealth, high education, and the best tutors for the love of his parents. Or at least their care.

Her mother didn't have any maternal instinct. She had been married by force to a cruel man. She had given him an heir, then another one, who had died at the age of fifteen. His younger brother, more sensitive, more fragile, had made the terrible choice to stop breathing by hanging himself to the attic load-bearing beam. Richard was already studying in London when it happened. It's the butler who had found his brother and the boy had been buried in the highest discretion. No one knew the truth, except for the Turpin's family. Richard would never forget the belt lashes of his father when he had made him swear to never reveal the real causes of his father's dead. The truth would have disgraced the family.

Catherine deserved better than the heavy Turpin's legacy. She deserved to be happy. And because he had been raised by the worst parents, he could be better. He knew everything he mustn't do. He knew how he could destroy her, therefore he knew how not to.

He left the Court earlier than usual and well-decided to have supper with his daughter. Yet, when he arrived he found the manor too calm, almost as if everybody was already asleep. It was only five, so the venue should have been alive with servants accomplishing their duties, not with the distant cries of a little girl.

Turpin strode up the stairs, worried that something had happened to Catherine when he stumbled upon Anne.

"What's happening here ?" he asked roughly, "while Catherine is crying and where is everybody ?"

"It has been a tough day for the little mistress. Her classes didn't go well. Mister Wosley, her morning teacher had been quite hard with her. He wrote a rapport about her bad behavior, but the governess was with them and she assured me the little girl was quiet as usual, she was just not focusing on her lesson."

"And she's crying for a rapport about her behavior?" asked Turpin bewildered.

"She's afraid you don't want her anymore. The paper is quite severe."

"Because you read it ?" asked Richard, his eyebrows arched, the slightest annoyance on his face.

"No. She did and then she read it to me because she couldn't understand some words. I explained them to her in a more... soft way. I also assure her that you won't send her away because of the angriness of a teacher."

"You did well," said Richard absent-mindedly.

He pretended to go to his office to read the note, but the maid retained him by clearing her throat. He turned around to face her, a questioning look on his features.

"What else ?" he asked, annoyed at his highest.

"This afternoon, she went out with Mister Brandon. He wanted a change of scenery to cheer up Catherine and..."

The maid hesitated, biting her lower lip.

"Anne, I'm tired, my daughter is crying which, I have to admit despite my disgust at doing it, distraught me, and I'm terribly hungry, which only add to my annoyance. If there is more, then speak without any diversion," he chided, his square shoulders and his stern eyes leaving no room for argument.

"Well, they found a strayed kitten and Catherine had brought it back. Mister Brandon didn't see the harm in it. But once he left, Harry, the stableman, told her that you didn't like animals and that you would probably throw the little pet against a wall to kill it if she didn't get rid of it before your return. She and her governess were trying to find an appropriate hideout for the little cat when she heard you arrived. Yet again, we tried with her governess to tell her you wouldn't do that, but she didn't believe us and now she's afraid Harry told you about her new companion while she didn't find anywhere to hide it."

Richard sighed heavily. The weariness and tiredness put a strain on him.

"Thank you for telling me, Anne. Ask the butler to thank Harry with no money and reference. The boy doesn't work in my stable anymore,' and with that being said, and the package in his hands, he headed towards Catherine's room.

The governess froze when, after having closed the door, she turned around, almost bumping into Richard.

"My lord," she said with a curtesy.

"How is she ?" he asked, ignoring her terrifying eyes on him.

"I managed to calm her down, but she is very afraid that you scold her or worse for what Mister Wosley wrote about her. She swears it's not true. And also..."

The woman wasn't sure she should keep quiet. She knew everything she had to about Turpin's bad temper and she had been here for only two weeks, also she didn't know if he could kill or not an innocent kitten.

"What about the cat ?" asked Richard harshly.

If he hadn't been so concerned about the well-being of his child, he would probably have found the expression of the governess hilarious. Her eyes were wide, she was gawking at him.

"Well ?" he insisted, "did you find an appropriate hideout for it ?"

"Indeed," answered the governess with embarrassment.

"Well, let's see if I can find it."

And with that being said, Richard knocked on the door, then entered without waiting for any answer, as he was sure the girl wouldn't have given permission to anyone to come in.

"Catherine," thundered Turpin's voice, making the little girl shiver.

Her sad eyes looked upon his. He opened his mouth, but he didn't have time to utter any words that the little girls rushed into his arms. Flabbergasted, Turpin didn't know what to do and stayed stunned while Catherine flooded his golden waistcoat with her tears.

"Come on, come on, calm down," said Richard softly, "let's sit down, yes ?"

He led her towards the huge bed on which were laying Merlin and many other plush animals.

"There's a whole zoo on your bed. Are you aware of that ?" asked playfully Turpin, hoping to ease a bit of the distress of his daughter.

It seemed to work as she giggled discretely.

"Where do all those animals come from ?" asked curiously Richard.

"The servants," whispered the girl.

Of course, they were all so fond of their little mistress, and apparently, they knew her better than him as everybody but he knew her love for animals, that they had spent some of their pay into expensive kids' stuff.

"Do they all have a name ?"

Catherine nodded, introducing him to each of her unanimated friends with enthusiasm, her previous outburst forgotten. Even though Richard was happy to see the mood of the child liven up, he needed to clear up the events of the day. He cursed himself for bringing up the topic when she started to cry with violent sobbing.

"Hush, hush. I'm not scolding you, am I ?" he said, bothered to not know how to talk without causing anguish to his child.

He, eventually, took his little hand in his, frowning at how thin her little arm was. He could see her bones protruding from her neckline and her shoulders and he was sure that during bath time, her maid could notice the same things with her ribs and knees.

"You're not angry ?" she asked bashfully.

"No," said Richard.

And it was true. He knew quite well the teacher and how harsh he could be with his pupils. Yet, he was one of the best in his profession and Turpin wanted nothing but the cream of the top for her. He would have a word with him tomorrow, asking him to be more indulgent with the girl. He wouldn't have to ask twice for the man restrained his sternness because no one could match up to the anger of The High Judge Turpin. The Death's Judge.

"Yet, I would like to be acquainted with someone else," uttered Richard.

Catherine still, understood he was talking about her cat.

"I put him out," she declared too quickly.

Her alarmed eyes wandered a second too long towards her wardrobe. Richard stood up in a flourish and walked briskly to the piece of furniture.

"NO !" shouted the girl.

"Hush !" prompted Richard.

He sharply opened the door and a little ball of fur ran through the room to find refuge inside a cardboard box that the butler had given to Catherine for her new companion.

"Well, it seems to already feel at home," stated Richard.

"Please, father, do not kill him," begged Catherine, bursting into tears.

Richard felt his blood ran cold through his whole body. It was the first time she had called him father. And if he was honest with himself, it had made his heart beat faster.

"Never would I do something like that, Catherine," he said genuinely concerned she could believe him able to do something like that.

Actually, if Richard was totally honest, he could do that without any qualms to blackmail someone or to torture an enemy. But never would he do that to this girl who had become so precious for him in such a short time. Also, for Richard, animals were the sheerest and most beautiful of God's creation. Nothing to do with the mongrel he had to deal with in his day-to-day life.

"But Harry said..."

"Do not listen to this idiot. Anyway, he doesn't work anymore for us. Rather than being gullible and believing everything everyone's telling you, you should learn to trust me."

She looked down embarrassed but Richard forced her to look at him by lifting her head with the help of one finger under his chin.

"What's the name of this little opportunist ?" he asked, looking with an amused look at the pet tearing apart the old blanket Anne had put into the box.

"Arthur," answered Catherine with a bright smile.

"Arthur ?" questioned Turpin.

"Like the King !"

Obviously. Merlin, Mordred, Gwaine, Percival, Leon, Elyan were the names of her plush and now Arthur, thought Richard, suppressing a laugh.

"Well, Arthur is more than welcome in this house. As long as he doesn't dare come through my office and he doesn't scratch the sofas of the parlor."

Catherine nodded vigorously, her smile and the happiness flickering in her eyes a reward for Richard's tortured soul.

"I've also a present for you. I'm sorry it's not another beast for your zoo."

With that, he handed her the box he had put down on the nightstand. Catherine looked at the box with surprise before opening it with the enthusiasm of a child who wasn't used to getting a gift. Inside was laying the most beautiful doll she had ever seen. A porcelain doll with curly brown hair and the same green eyes as hers, like the one she shared with her mother. The doll's dress was made of real cashmere and embroidered with golden threads.

"Are you happy ?" asked Turpin with trepidation as he didn't know how to interpret the child's silence.

"I've never had something as beautiful before," whispered Catherine, not daring to take the doll out of her box, too afraid to damage it.

Richard did it for her, placing the doll among the animals.

"She will soon have her own house. I'm sure Anne and your governess would be more than delighted to help you to install her in her new lodgings. Perhaps you may ask Anne to teach you how to sew so that you could create a whole wardrobe for your doll. I will provide you with all the pieces of furniture you could need for this new entertainment."

The little girl, overwhelmed with joy, didn't know what to say and Richard, as introverted as his daughter on the field of sharing his feelings, told her he would meet her for supper. But while he was ready to leave the room, he heard Catherine's hurried steps running towards him. He didn't have time to turn around when a mass of brown curls threw itself into his arms.

He gently stroked her back with one hand, the other one caressing with as much love as he could dispense her hair. She finally stepped back, diving her green eyes in his hazel one without quivering at the natural toughness his face was constantly bearing.

"Thank you, father," she whispered quietly, almost as if she was afraid of his reaction, afraid to lose the little affection he seemed disposed to give her.

Richard's face softened, his heart swelling with a feeling he hadn't felt for long. The last time, it was when Elena, his beloved Elena, was in his arms after he had made love to her. Elena had betrayed him when she had left him with no explanation. And now she was no longer of this world. But Catherine, the fruit of their love was there and she wanted nothing more than to love him unconditionally. It was at this moment, when he saw all the gratefulness of his daughter for a mere doll and his permission to let her keep the kitten, that a thought struck him. A man could lose a woman, but never a father could lose his child if he was able to be a good parent for the said child. So, Richard silently swore to himself he would be the best father a girl could hope for. From now on and until death comes to take him away from this world.

"You're welcome, daughter of mine," he said with a smile matching his daughter's one. A Turpin's smile.

#alan rickman x reader #alan rickman #judge turpin x reader #judge turpin #sweeney todd #evans23

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winnterreise · 2 months ago

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hello! please, if its no trouble (i 100% understand if im asking too much, i know itd be a bit of work >_<) would you ever be willing to write an analysis of reiji? at least a summary? i adore DL and have for years, but ive never been able to quite understand his character and why he does what he does! (i am a tripletologist lmao i focus on them) i adore your blog and the way you discuss reiji! id love to hear from someone like you what reiji is all about and what makes him tick :) only if its okay though! youre extremely cool!

-resident guy who loves character analysis

Hi! Of course! Take my words with a grain of salt though because it’s always easier to understand a character when you’ve had similar experiences.. I’m a very lazy and unenthusiastic person so I hope you’ll understand🧍I adore characters like Reiji because of how drastically different they are from me. Unfortunately I cannot afford to write a full analysis as of now because I haven’t gone through all the games yet! The amount of reading and note taking I’d have to do (outside of the two games I already played) would probably be like writing an academic paper… I’d love to dig deeper but unless I’m super free and motivated please don’t set your expectations to high for me! That being said I’ll try to summarize my thoughts here.

I feel that he grew up to be the way he is because fate was simply just that unfair to him. It’s no surprise that one will develop some sort of coping mechanism if they failed to receive proper care and support when they were younger. In Reiji’s case, I feel like he’s had a competitive personality since the very beginning, and that he isn’t that type to simply sulk because life isn’t treating him well, but he’d strive to become the best he can so that Beatrix might at least cast a glance at him. Because of that, he’s set out the same sort of expectation for everyone else around him.

And then there’s Shu who received so much attention but is also put under tremendous pressure. I won’t go into detail about him, but he has his reasons for wanting to escape from what is thrown at him, too. I don’t blame either of them for turning out the way they did, but Reiji did have to live his life in resentment for Shu, an uncomfortable reminder of how little his mother seemed to care for him. A lot of this is just surface level, though. When it comes to family, especially vampires whose true ages remain a mystery, there is no singular emotion that can sum up the nature of their bonds. My guess is that Reiji doesn’t exactly ‘hate’ Shu so much that he wishes genuine death upon him, or else he’d probably attempted a long time ago. Shu might be a bit of a lost cause to him, wasted potential, one who threw away and did not cherish anything that was given to him.

Now imagine harbouring all of these negative emotions for your entire life while unconsciously having an inferiority complex, becoming obsessed with your own worth and abilities just to prove a point that you are someone that matters. This is probably also the reason why he appears so strict with Yui. There’s definitely some sense of projection. He’s ridiculously disciplined and expects the same level of dedication from everyone else, expecting them to prove their worth as he tried or still tries to do. I feel that he didn’t allow himself to display any weakness, and so despised it when he sees signs of that in others. His way of caring for others I expect would also be twisted in a some way. He genuinely believed that discipline, control, and constant self-improvement is important to survival. It’s all he’s ever known, probably.

Lastly, someone did a wonderful character study a while ago. It’s much more elaborate than what I have here. I really like their take on him.

https://narihira.tumblr.com/post/63820496449/a-sakamaki-reiji-manifesto-character-study

#diabolik lovers #reiji sakamaki #orders received #oversteeped

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9151967 · 20 days ago

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I know they dropped it owing to adaptation difficulties if not a changed opinion (it is possibly too melodramatic, if not a callback to The Tholian Web), but the thing I appreciate about the initial plan for The Search for Spock was how the crew would be able to see Spock's ghost and talk to it, to be haunted by it. For Kirk, that would have been the ultimate manifestation of his guilt at losing Spock. It would've connected that much harder to Saavik's words and David's echo that he has never faced death in The Wrath of Khan.

Using a read more for the screencaps and a rambling 2k or so wordcount. (This took me 3 days to write and edit, good night.)

Unless this is developed further in the novelization, it is worth noting that Saavik's impression of Kirk would come from Spock and David's impression is skewed at best owing to his distrust and hatred of Starfleet, on top of growing up with an absent father who he knows is a part of Starfleet. Kirk and Carol may have had good intentions with staying separated and keeping David ignorant, but it's clearly backfired now that the two must meet. In other words, one character sees an idealized version of Kirk whereas the other might as well be looking at the Kirk Drift. Neither character really knows Kirk, so neither can really understand the impact of this phrase. In both cases, Saavik and David are making an observation. It may seem harsh of them, but neither say it lightly given Saavik is still upset over her own test performance and David is trying to apologize to his father after they just held a funeral service for Spock. (His decision to use it as a lead-in is certainly a choice! But in David's defense, Kirk was about to hightail it out of there (just like he did in Amok Time when McCoy tried telling him about Spock) so David says the one thing to get him to pause and sit down.)

The Wrath of Khan repeats the words "you have never faced death" to Kirk in order to highlight how resilient and downright lucky Kirk is. A captain can hardly afford to become emotional or fall apart when the inevitable death occurs, and Kirk had resilience forged into him early with his childhood on Tarsus IV. Likewise, despite difficult and dangerous missions, Kirk still manages to keep the majority of his crew alive and the ship intact (the TMP novelization makes this clearer in that Kirk's mission was the only mission that did not result in major deaths or loss of a ship). Perhaps luck is not the best word to describe how successful Kirk was as a captain, but there is a degree of it in how he is able to keep beating the odds and survive, and it's that exceptional reputation he earned in his youth that he is struggling against now that he is older and risen to the rank of admiral. Is he still this same Kirk who could seemingly pull off the impossible or has he changed too much and for the worse? (Is it a lazy rehash of his plot line from TMP? Maybe, but TWK pushes the stakes on it beyond what TMP did by killing Spock. There's no undoing this, no going back.)

With the exception of his past on the USS Farragut, Kirk is not shown to fall to pieces over what their five year mission asks of them, the possibility of death. He's regretted decisions that led to unnecessary crew deaths and has come close to tears over losing someone like Edith Keeler or Miramanee to be sure, but we don't ever see Kirk being stopped or questioning himself because of those deaths. (The Apple aside; he absolutely questions his actions in that episode but he's not questioning his entire perspective, not like he does after Spock dies, and crucially it takes both McCoy and Spock to talk Kirk out of where he's going with his guilt. David, for all of his earlier callousness to Kirk, is trying to help him walk through this painful experience in the same way in TWK. Talk about growth and a change of heart.) He keeps moving forward despite the pain, even when it is the deaths of his own brother and sister-in-law.

(As an aside, Rayna is an interesting outlier in my mind, despite how he is shown to be deeply affected by her death, to the point of Spock choosing to wipe his memory of her. He acts out of character in Requiem for Methuselah and more like the Kirk Drift with how impulsive and emotional he is, to the point where I wonder if he was drugged or just plain drunk after drinking the alcohol. Kirk does want love but he never chooses it over his career. Carol is living proof of that with how they chose to stay apart for their work. Well, for the most part it holds true—Amok Time, "I can't let Spock die, can I, Bones? And he will if we go to Altair. I owe him my life a dozen times over. Isn't that worth a career? He's my friend." Insane way to show Kirk cares about Spock in an episode where the writers were concerned Kirk looked callous compared to McCoy, lol. That choice didn't lead to anything big in the fandom, nope.)

Pair all of this with the revelation that Kirk is the only cadet to ever beat the no-win scenario of the Kobayashi Maru test and a pattern emerges of someone who has seen and experienced death, but has yet to be fully stopped or altered by it. This is why he is told twice that "you have never faced death" and why he only agrees with that sentiment after losing Spock, responding that he has cheated death and tricked his way out of it. To face death would be to accept it fully as its own natural outcome rather than changing conditions to create a new outcome like he had done with the Kobayashi Maru.* Spock's death is not something he could have changed or prevented, no matter how creative he is. It goes against those past successes and eleventh hour miracles from his youth.

*Kirk's solution to the Kobayashi Maru is probably its own post subject. It's not cheating to my mind both because David is clearly biased when he says it and because Kirk's choice to take it multiple times until he found the solution he wanted shows a strong sense of will. He failed twice but was undeterred and would not accept a simulation guaranteed to result in someone's death. That's still a quality Starfleet would want in its officers, to say nothing of his creativity in the face of pressure. Starfleet would be foolish to pass over that. It's a test of character on multiple fronts—it tests the cadet as a person, what they stand for, and it tests the strength of their loyalty and oath given the test specifically uses the political hot potato of The Neutral Zone and all that entering it entails for The Federation. Given what Kirk's solution does, why wouldn't Starfleet want to keep a cadet like that?

A lot of what Kirk says here is a rebuke of his past success with the Kobayashi Maru rather than past events he has experienced as a captain, although if one really wants to make this painful, it still holds that Kirk is reassessing everything in this moment given the "no, not like this" comment.

Kirk uses the word "cheated" to now describe his actions whereas before he rejected the word. Kirk is now using it in the same way David had originally scoffed at his solution to the test, "He cheated."

Spock calls his own sacrifice his solution to the Kobayashi Maru, so when Kirk now says "patted myself on the back for my ingenuity," it's recalling his earlier "commendation for original thinking" comment and finding it hollow now that Spock is dead.

And when Kirk says he knows nothing, what he means is that Spock's death is different from everything he has experienced before.

It hits far closer to home for Kirk to lose his first officer, his lead science officer, and his friend after all the time they have worked together and survived dangerous missions. Had it been McCoy that sacrificed his life to save the ship, Kirk would still be saying the above because McCoy is his only other friend on the Enterprise. It's one part the closeness of their relationships and one part a matter of their shared backgrounds as members of Starfleet who have agreed to the risks of their work. After all, both Spock and McCoy have found their lives endangered over the course of the five year mission, but each and every time they stay alive, be it parasites, rare diseases, Vulcan biology, freak accidents, and so on. The same goes for the rest of the core crew of Uhura, Sulu, Chekov, Scotty, and Chapel.

It is with the death of Spock that Kirk has to finally face death as it is. There was no miracle cure, no quick thinking to prevent it, nothing he or McCoy could've done. Either Spock gave his life to save the ship or everyone on the USS Enterprise died. (Hell of a Kobayashi Maru test, one part the acceptance of death, one part a test of commitment and loyalty. Loyalty to who (one's captain or one's self?) or what (Starfleet or The Federation or one's beliefs?) is left to the individual's choice, hence it being a test of character.)

Crucially, this is all coming from a Kirk who has gone into the admiralty after completing his five year mission as captain of the Enterprise and has stayed in the position since the events of TMP (why he stayed... I don't get it, unless the message is supposed to be that he realizes he is too old for it all, but that makes the open ending of TMP a wasted opportunity in order to repeat the same issue again for TWK. But I haven't read the novelization for TWK so if they explain it, I wouldn't know). It's the terrible confirmation of his fears of being too old for his chosen work, that he is right to stay out of the captaincy. Spock is dead now that Kirk is older and years removed from his experiences as a captain, but such an event had never happened when Kirk was younger. They always found a way to avoid death in his younger days. Spock himself has escaped death before, even when he chose to risk his own life (The Galileo Seven, Operation: Annihilate, and The Immunity Syndrome come to mind). Until this one time, Spock has always lived but Kirk couldn't get to him fast enough, not that doing so could have changed anything, and that is what cuts Kirk to his core: His record-breaking, commendation for creativity, and all the other praise means nothing now because he couldn't save Spock. "Not like this ... I know nothing."

For Kirk to then see Spock's image and hear his voice in SFS would follow from this new-found failure and guilt ("I don't like to lose" as he tells Saavik), and it would act as the literal fulfillment of his facing death by having to confront Spock's ghost.

("Noblest part of myself" "our dearest blood" and what if I just start wailing? Especially when Spock holds the very qualities we value in humans and ascribe to humanity—compassion and empathy—and how Spock managed to bring Kirk and McCoy back to their selves in TMP. It's fine, this choice of words.)

It is still chilling to see Spock's voice and mannerisms come from McCoy and what that means for them—that McCoy is not fully himself, that Kirk stands to lose his two closest friends in one go if Spock's katra cannot be returned. (I'm just guessing here as I still need to finish the film. Yes, I stopped watching to write this. Kirkinsanity is a hell of my own making. I don't know if McCoy could physically and mentally withstand that long term, you know? Would it be exhausting carrying another person's consciousness within you, regardless of your prior relationship with them? Or would it be easy, like putting on a glove and taking it back off? Or would it be a third thing and their two consciousnesses merge together into something new, someone new, the longer the two are joined?)

(I know Kirk says that as in "Are you losing your grip on reality?" but it also fits with how McCoy holds Spock's very essence. Yeah, McCoy could be losing his mind to Spock, Kirk.)

#jim kirk #spock #leonard mccoy #david marcus #saavik #star trek tos #star trek the wrath of khan #star trek the search for spock #trek meta #this got out of hand thanks to what i'm calling kirkinsanity as in i start thinking about him and go insane. is there a cure?#recent google search: how to perform kolinahr as a human being?

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